All-Star Weekend 2014

All Star Weekend Pickz to Blow Your Load....of cash

    

  You know you have a problem when you start gambling on events that God did not intend us to gamble on. The silver lining though, is to think about all of the beneficial things you can do with your winningz. You could invest in a mutual fund, save for retirement, or stash it in your child's college fund. Or you could just do what I would do with it, go to Vegas and see how fast you can blow it on blackjack and hooker spit (that's right just the spit).

Friday Night Celebrity Game

We start with the celebrity game, an event that I have never watched more than thirty seconds of and will continue the trend this year. With that said if you still want to bet on it go with Team Simmons (1.5, yeah there's a line). Bill's team is stacked with talent including 2 time MVP Kevin Hart and WNBA up and comer Elena Delle Donne. Jalen Rose has already said that he wants his team to be more involved in the New Orleans Nightlife than the game and I think this will play out on the court. Bill will also take this game way too seriously either because he's aware that people might actually gamble on it or he himself puts money on his team (Pete Rose alert!!). Look for Simmons to employ either the Hack-A-Shaq tactic or a full court press if this game gets close late. Once again stick with team Simmons and start your weekend off right.

Rising Stars Challenge

The closest thing we have in the NBA to an old episode of And-1 Streetball, the Rising Stars Challenge! However, instead of legends like Escalade, Hot Sauce, and the Professor; we get treated to Harrison Barnes and the Plumlee brothers! So if you like watching games that don't have anything close to resembling defense, then definitely tune in Friday night. Expect a ton of threes and wide open dunk lanes that will make this game look closer to the NFL pro bowl than an NBA game. If I still haven't deterred you from placing a bet (first, you have a serious problem) then go with the team that features the combo of Harrison Barnes and Anthony Davis easily the two best players on the floor. As a side note, both coaches Chris Webber and Grant Hill had their careers derailed by micro fracture surgery! Conspiracy alert!! Just kidding it's not relevant I just wanted to point that out.

Saturday Night

3pt, skills challenge, and the team shooting competition

These events, or as I call them "everything before the slam dunk contest," are basically a toss up as to which great shooter gets hot, and however the fuck they determine odds for the skills challenge. In the 3pt contest, the new format has conferences competing against each other. The favorite has to be the West, loaded with arguably the three best shooters in the league in Curry, K-Love, and Damian Lillard. Look for the west to win and Curry or Love to take home the individual crown.

Skills Challenge
The new format for the skills challenge has teams of two competing head to head to determine a winner. In order to choose who you should put your money on; pick the team with a shifty, nimble guard who has good ball handling skills (yeah, exactly). In all honesty pick whatever team Damian Lillard is on because he's in five events and he has to win one of them right? Whatever you do, do not pick Giannis A, the Greek Freak. He's huge, raw and will easily finish a full ten seconds behind the next closest competitor.

Team Shooting Challenge
Finally probably the most exciting event of these "not-the-dunk-contest-contests," the Team Shooting Challenge. Not only do you get to watch the exciting Father /Son combos (Curry's- Steph and Dell, Hardaway's- Tim and Tim Jr) compete against Kevin Durant and the Mailman?? You also get to watch great basketball players heave half court shots like they did back in middle school. Which by the way should absolutely be it's own event, I mean seriously do we need a skills challenge? You don't see the NFL have a forty yard dash-off during the Pro Bowl (wait a second...). The favorite here has to be the Curry combo of Seth (just kidding) and Dell; but it's kind of hard to go against the future HOF Durant and Karl Malone who at age (55??) still looks like he could average 20-10 in the NBA. I guess they have Skylar Diggins on their team also, but do we really think she's gonna decide this contest? The dark horses are the Hardaway's though this looks like a two horse race, and no the combo of Chris Bosh, Dominique Wilkins and Swin Cash does not stand a chance.

Slam Dunk Contest
The piéce de résistance (yeah that's right, French) of All-Star Weekend. Because of the recent staleness over the last few years; mostly due to watching one player miss the same dunk 25 times in a row (I'm looking at you Birdman) or just not even trying (see: Wallace, Gerald 2010), the NBA divided this years events into conferences. In the first round of our conference battle we have a "Freestyle" theme where each conference has 90 seconds to pull off as many dunks as you can and a winning conference being named at the end. In the second part we have an actual head to head competition with one member from each conference battling it out for supremacy. The first conference to get three points in the battle round wins the title and then the fans vote on which dunker should be considered the best of the night. The conference with the best shot of winning has to be the East comprised of powerhouse dunkers Paul "hopefully he leaves the lights on this time" George, defending champ Terrence Ross, and ultra athlete John Wall. This team would be a devastating 3 on 3 team let alone the prohibitive favorites to win this contest. For the dunker of the night go with someone from that loaded east squad preferably Paul George or Terrence Ross. The dark horse in this race is Ben Mclemore, who is rumored to be attempting the infamous 720. If he successfully throws down a 720, look for the Kings rookie to shock the world and steal the top dunker of the night.

Sunday Night- All Star Game
Finally we reach the conclusion of All-Star weekend, at this point you should be filthy rich if you have followed all of my picks, but if you want to get to Donald Trump levels of wealth then read on. This game reminds me of a joke by a famous comedian about pancakes. They sound delicious before you have them and then about halfway through the first one you are fuckin sick of them. Put your money on the loaded west squad and do something else until the last two minutes of the fourth quarter. The MVP comes down to either Lebron James or Kevin Durant, no one else is gonna win it so don't come at me with your Anthony Davis or Steph Curry bullshit. The Lebron, KD battle is gonna be reminiscent of 80's Japanese movie battles between Godzilla and Mothra (KD is definitely Mothra). This time however, look for Mothra to win as Kevin Durant establishes his MVP season as those before him do with an all-star game MVP for the trophy case. Lebron will let him have this one as he has his sights set on something a little more important come June.

And there you have it, one mans in-depth look at the weekends All-Star bonanza that will probably take you longer to read this than actually watch the events. If all goes well you will have some gambling money to throw around for the rest of our NBA picks this season.