NBA Draft 2014

NBA DRAFT RULES

By +Bobby Sugar 

As March Madness gets closer, it is time for all GMs of tanking NBA teams to take a good hard look at this year's crop of prospects. No doubt names like Wiggins, Parker, Embiid and Smart will be featured in discussions leading up to draft day, but it is the relative unknowns and future tourney stars that most are waiting for.

For fans and NBA execs alike, this time of year becomes a statistical feeding frenzy as we try to find the strengths and weaknesses of each prospect. Words like "wingspan," "vertical," and "genital circumference" will be thrown around like monkey feces, and,  on draft day, we will see the result of all that hard scouting work.

But what really goes on in those draft rooms? If teams are scouting for months on end and breaking down film, why the hell do we have so many first round misses? As a fan, it has to be extremely frustrating watching your GM take disappointing player after disappointing player as your team sets up permanent base in the lottery. 

This is why we have created the "Five Rules of NBA Drafting"; an easy and quick reference for all GM's and execs itching to improve their teams. With these rules, you will no longer be subject to seeing your team draft a 6 ft 9 in African center that hasn't played more than 4 months of organized basketball with the 2nd pick in the draft. Go ahead and print this out, put it right next to your mock draft and any time you are skeptical about a pick, consult the list. And as a multi-racial collaboration of writers here at Dirty Picks, we don't want to hear any cries of racism or bigotry. If you are a GM and your job is on the line, looking at Robert Swift or Meyers Leonard and saying "no" is not racist; IT'S JUST THE DAMN TRUTH!

NOTE: These rules are meant for the NBA lottery! Not second round picks! As a matter of fact most of the players subject to these rules are great mid-first or second round picks. So when you're reading this, remember LOTTERY. 

THIS LIST WILL WEED OUT 98% OF DRAFT BUSTS! 

THE 5 RULES OF THE NBA DRAFT

Rule I: 
Never take giant white centers who are "projects" because they are over seven feet tall.

Examples

Chris Mihm, Joel Pryzbilla, Robert Swift, Shawn Bradley, Meyers Leonard, Alex Len (kind of, he's slightly Euro), Cole Aldrich etc.
Comments
Is this racist? Probably, but you know what? These dudes do NOT work out as lottery picks! Now if you want to draft a guy to be a contributor for 12-18 minutes off the bench and get some rebounds (Nick Collison, Josh McRoberts, Tyler Hansborough) do it....later in the draft!

This is what happens

Analysts Say:
"He's a better athlete than you'd expect! He has a high basketball IQ and should be a solid contributor right away"


TRANSLATION
"He's more athletic than most white guys! Also, since he's white, we have to mention that he's a smart player for some reason. He's not going to be very good, but he should be a good role player for the next 10 years."

Rule II: 
Do not take big men described as "raw," "athletic," or "has potential on offense."

Examples
Hasheem Thabeet, Kwame Brown, Bismack Biyombo, Anthony Randolph, Brandan Wright, Tyrus Thomas, Patrick O'Bryant, Hilton Armstrong, Sheldon Williams, Desagana Diop.

Comments
When does this work out?! You draft a guy that blocks 4 shots per game and pulls down 10 rebounds, but can't score! Oh yeah, and those guys that he's blocking and boarding over? Unathletic, college dudes that won't sniff the NBA. Oh by the way, there's no defensive 3 second rule in college, feel free to camp around the rim and block 6 ft point guard's layins and collect rebounds. If you can't score against these same guys, how the hell are you scoring on NBA bigs?

Raw on Offense  = That's not going in

Analysts say:
"This guy is raw, but he has a lot of potential. Great wingspan, athletic, he's going to be a force on defense and on the boards. If he ever gets his offensive game going, watch out!"

TRANSLATION
"This guy really doesn't know what he's doing. He is pretty athletic, but hey we're in the NBA! Everybody is fuckin athletic! He will never average over 10 points per game, and you wasted a lottery pick on him instead of picking up Reggie Evans for a second round pick!"

RULE III: 
Do not take a player that doesn't have at least one elite skill. 

Examples

Joe Alexander, Otto Porter, Sean May, Austin Rivers, Darko Milicic, and Mateen Cleaves (sorry Sugar), Wes Johnson, Evan Turner to an extent, MARVIN WILLIAMS.

Comment
I don't care if it's being able shoot 3's (JJ Reddick), lockdown-D (Michael Kidd-Gilchrist), or he can pull down twenty rebounds against the Monstars from Space Jam (Kenneth Faried). If a player does not

Next Stop! D-League!

possess one elite skill, he better be fuckin amazing at every other skill in the book. Like LeBron good; in other words it doesn't work out. Also, athleticism does not qualify as an elite skill. This ain't baseball, these players are all superior athletes. The only exception to that is if the player is so athletic that he even impresses other NBA players, example: Gerald Green.

What analysts say:

"Jim, this player contributes in a variety of ways, he's very versatile and that flexibility will allow him to thrive at the NBA level."

TRANSLATION

"Jim this guy isn't very good at anything, but he had to do a lot for his team in college! He definitely can't shoot threes, he can dribble a little bit, but not past anyone. He can pass the ball, but not very well and you can expect pedestrian rebound numbers. This guy should be able to give you 15 minutes off the bench for the rest of his career."

Rule IV: 

Do not take international players that fail to dominate their own league.

Examples

Darko Milicic, Jan Vesely, Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Andrea Bargnani

Comments

This rule has not become as important lately as teams have moved away from drafting international players early, but you'd be surprised how many teams still struggle with this concept. If there is a guy playing 15 minutes per game and averaging single digits in everything, how the hell is he going to succeed in the NBA? Unless the guy kills it against the US, Spain or Argentina, don't bother taking him in the lottery. 

"and Jan never scored again..."

What analysts say:

"I tell ya, this guy is not like most international players, he's physical, athletic and he likes to get in there and bang! He only averaged 3 points per game in the Dakminstanistan league, but his physical gifts and style of play are more suited the NBA game."

TRANSLATION

"I tell yeah, this guy is more of a physical specimen than the other guys in his league who don't work out and chain smoke constantly. He can NOT score, so don't expect that. Oh and he's used to a different rule set, so expect him to never know what the fuck is going on. He also doesn't speak English and has never played more than 12 minutes per game. Expect him to be back in Europe in 2 years."

Rule V 
Do not draft a player in the lottery if you do not know his main position.

Examples

Marvin Williams, Derrick Williams, Renaldo Balkman, Jared Jeffries, Melvin Ely, Marcus Haislip, Cedric Simmons, Anthony Randolph, Ekpe Udoh, Al-Farouq Aminu, Tyrus Thomas, Ike Diogu, Yi Jianlan

"BUT HE PLAYS EVERY POSITION!"

Comments

This is one of the most egregious draft offenses! You see a guy that looks like a small forward, that wants and basically needs to play power forward or center! Or, he is 6'9" and you justify the pick because, "he's so versatile, he can play both positions!" No, that's not how it works. Your 6'9" power forward is not guarding LeBron, Melo, KD, Paul George or Kawhi. Oh you want to stick that guy at the three? Well, he can't shoot or dribble so good luck with that! Magic Johnson was versatile; LeBron James is versatile; Andre Iguodala is versatile; Marvin Williams is NOT versatile.

What analysts say:

"This guy is more of 4 that can kind of play the three and that versatility is going to help this team. He's got good length and quick feet, he'll be able to help this team in a lot of ways. He should be able to slide into the lineup easily and become a contributor."

TRANSLATION

"I have no fucking clue what position this guy can play. He definitely can't play the 4, so they're going to try him at the 3, but that shit won't work at all! He can't dribble well or shoot to space the floor so he'll have to post up. Unfortunately he has 0 post moves because he thinks he is a small forward and he's way undersized. Oh and they already have a solid guy that plays his primary position so they will force the rookie to play with him and fail miserably. He'll be shooting a lot of long, jumpers at a 30% clip."