NBA Draft & Conference Finals

NBA Draft Lottery

NYK +325; LAL +575

Either way here you're good. The NBA fixes the draft lottery and all of you sheep who don't believe in conspiracies better GTFO right now. What happened last year? Cavs won, LeBron went home, you mean to tell me that wasn't rigged? Buy that and I got a trunk full of original DaVinci sculptures that I'd like ya to take a look at . Seriously though anyone that thinks the NBA is going to go through another season where the two biggest markets are bottom five in talent desperately needs a wake up call. I know this ain't horse racin, but if I could I would even bet the Knicks get one, the Lakers get two and odds on favorite Minnesota gets the three hole. So good luck to both Karl Anthony Towns and Jahlil Okafor because after tonight you're going to either get yelled at by Kobe for a year or play in dinosaur offense with Phil Jackson and NY. Meanwhile the Wolves get Mudiay and roll out the best backcourt in the NBA in five years.

NBA Conference Finals 

Houston Rockets (+10) at Golden State Warriors

This could be a terrible, terrible series. The Rockets took advantage of one of the worst coaching jobs of all time and beat the Clippers to reach the conference finals. As Oklahoma City fans and Kevin Durant continue to pretend they don't miss James Harden, the Rocks are going to be looking for any slight advantage they can find as they get destroyed by the Warriors. Steph Curry has to be ROCK HARD knowing Jason Terry and James Harden are going to try to guard him all series, oh and Pablo Prigioni. Those poor dudes have no chance. Nevertheless, the Rockets might be able to keep this one close. Harden will need to cause some foul issues for the Rockets, but if the Warriors' bench plays half as well as they are capable of, Houston is fucked. 

Catz: New series....Same old Catz. After closely examining these two teams, I've come to the conclusion that should be a relatively easily win for the Dubs in four or five games tops. So why the hell would I back the losing team? Because the Rockets have been hearing all week that no one is giving them a shot against the Warriors. Look for a spirited Harden effort to fall just short as the Splash bros make their way towards their first NBA finals appearance.

2015 NFL Draft

NFL INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO

2015 NFL Draft

Instead of rolling out the typical generic mock drafts that become so popular this time of year, DP decided to go in a different direction with our prognostication. Imagine you had 100k to invest in the six elite prospects of this years NFL draft. How would you allocate it in order to maximize your return on investment? Would you go heavy in a risky stock hoping that they pay off would be worth the risk? Or would you spread it out evenly with risk/safe, hoping to make a decent amount, not necessarily an early retirement nest egg? Lets find out.

The B. Catz Retirement Fund

$25K- Jameis Winston
We get it started with a pretty decent amount of risk. This investment could be akin to taking a stack of money and lighting it on fire if he gets arrested halfway during his rookie season which is what most are expecting it seems. On the other hand, this dude could be the next face of the NFL and his off the field issues could be remembered and laughed about the same way we laugh that Brett Favre was an alcoholic for the first five years of his career (HAHAHA, alcoholism!). I am definitely on the side of people are way too concerned with his off the field issues, and don't pay enough attention to the way he carried Florida State for the better part of two years, especially in second half and crunch time. Famous Jameis is going to live up to the moniker and this return alone could set me up for the foreseeable future. 

$25K- Leonard Williams
Safest player in the draft right?? How could you possibly go wrong with an investment like this?? Easy, dudes bust in the draft all the time!! Every year someone gets tabbed as the "safest pick", and then ends up out of the league three years later, or even worse does just enough to stay on a team, but never lives up to the initial hype. Remember Glenn Dorsey? HE WAS A MONSTER IN COLLEGE!! Used to eat up double teams like it was a fresh packed bowl at a Cypress Hill concert! What happened to him? He's a solid NFL D-lineman. Definitely never lived up to his top five billing, but he can play in the league. The NFL is a tough league to succeed in, and even though scouts are doing better with each advance in technology, it is by no means a flawless system. So I am going to invest in the "safe pick" but I am not going to bet my entire retirement on it. 

$50K- Kevin White
Here it is Ladies and Gentlemen!!! The pick out of the top six "elite prospects" that I believe has the highest potential return on investment. I'll be completely honest, two months ago I had no idea who Kevin White was. All I knew was that a few mock drafts had him going to my New York Jets squad with the sixth overall pick. Then I started to get the cold sweats when I heard some of the knocks being tossed around about him. Combine wonder, late bloomer, tons of potential. Not exactly the type of words that inspire you to invest half your bank roll on right?? Then I watched his tape. DUDE IS A MONSTER! Absolute nightmare matchup who reminded me of a mix of Terrell Owens and Larry Fitzgerald! He's tall, fast, and catches the ball with his hands away from his body!! A more recent comparison could be made that he's the next Alshon Jeffrey who 31 out of 32 teams would absolutely love to have (the one who wouldn't is Jacksonville because they have no idea what the fuck they are doing). I think this guy is a pro bowl WR from the moment he steps on the field. He might not put up the numbers that others could because most likely the team that gets him will be struggling at QB, but much like Sammy Watkins in Buffalo, you will still notice that he's on the field. To me this is the safest pick in the draft, and definitely the one who offers the highest potential ROI. Can't wait till the Jets pair him with Brandon Marshall, pick up Bryce Petty in the third round and throw their way to a top five offense for the 2016 season!!

Mr. Nutz's "All your nutz in 3 baskets" Mutual Fund

$30K - Leonard Williams

I can definitely hitch my wagon to the Leanord Williams wagon train! The man was beastly during college and at this point analysts are just looking for ways to shit on him. He's going to cause a lot of problems on the interior line with his explosiveness, and a lot of people are going to be suprised at his pass rush game. I'm not saying he's going to be JJ Watt, but h's definitely going to be one of the few defensive lineman that can play any down situation and have a presence. As long as he stays healthy, he will have a long run in the NFL, and I'll be a rich man. 

$20K - Todd Gurley

This is a tough call because Gurley is coming off a major injury. In this case, you would have to assume that you are paying half the amount as say Leonard Williams or Kevin White; so if Gurley does hit, your making a ton of money. One of my finest gambling moments came last year in Vegas for the opening weekend of college football. Gurley single handedly won me a c-note and from then on I was a huge fan. He reminds me a ton of Marshawn Lynch, but a little shiftier. Gurley could come in and make a big impact immediately and I think he will be the best first round RB taken since Adrian Peterson. 

$50K - Amari Cooper

This is my Ace in the Asshole. Cooper is a bad ass wide receiver and that's what I'm hanging my hat on. He proved it on the big stage with Bama throughout his career, often going up against some of the nastiest defenses in the nation. He may not be as flashy as Kevin White, but when you throw the ball to him, he's going to catch the fucker. His ability to track the deep ball and fearlessness going over the middle will make him a star in this league. Even if he gets stuck with a shitty QB to start, he'll always have potential to live on.  

2015 NFL Draft

NFL Draft Prop Preview

Even the most degenerate of gamblers wouldn't dare place a bet on the NFL draft right?? It's more of a crapshoot than pro wrassling for god sakes (some would even argue its just as fixed...), but luckily for the readers of Dirty Picks, B Catz likes to live life a little dangerously. So when I started to do some research, I was startled by the results; there were no actual props to bet on! So instead of blowing it off and shooting my editor a text that just said "hey remember that article idea? Fuck it, no go", I made up my own props!! (EDITOR'S NOTE: Actual props are up and a full slate should be available by Monday on most sites)

WHO GOES NUMBER ONE???

Jameis Winston (-250)

Obvious favorite pick here. You are gonna hear all kinds of rumbling about the background and the future criminal record he is going to have, but don't let all that smoke cloud your opinion here. Jameis is a franchise QB and teams always reach to take a franchise QB no matter what the baggage. Personally I think Winston is going to make a solid pro, but I also predicted last season Johnny Football was basically the second coming of Brett Favre (at least with the booze right??).

Mariota (+500)

Peter King said earlier this week on Mike and Mike that the Jets want to move up to number one and take the former Oregon QB!! As a Jets fan, I do not support this move for the team because it means giving up everything we have for a QB who may not end up being very good in the NFL. Of course with our draft history maybe we should trade away all of our picks for the next few years. So is it likely? Not really, but if it happens you could be swimming in gold dubloons by Sunday!!

The Field (+1300)

Not gonna happen. Doesn't matter if Winston assaults twelve midgets and steals half of the crabs in the sea before the draft, he's still likely gonna go first. If for some crazy reason he does not, Mariota certainly will. Don't waste your hypothetical money on this made up prop bet that you can't actually bet on...

WHO DRAFTS NUMBER ONE???

So we've established Winston is going one right? But who's gonna be the lucky squad to throw a jersey on him and trot him out to training camp?

BUCS (-500)

Obvious pick, pretty safe odds that they end up making this pick. The Bucs are horrible, and a decent QB could go a long way with rising superstar Mike Evans in the mix.  Basically a 99.5% chance they end up making this pick and hanging up on all of the other offers.

FIELD (+2000)

If I'm the bucs GM, I'm hanging up on anyone not offering more than six picks. Sometimes NFL teams are stupid enough to trade multiple high round picks in order to select a QB who could end up being the face of the franchise (although unlikely), but I don't think that happens this year. The Bucks are too damn bad not to take a flyer on one of these guys.

WILL TODD GURLEY GO TOP TEN??

YES (+300)

Teams are scared as fuck right now to draft a running back in the first round, and everyone will say its because the league is changing to a pass happy, short screen type game. But the real reason nobody wants to draft a RB first round? Trent Richardson. He busted so damn hard, I thought Peter North came out of retirement!! He then somehow suckered the Colts into giving up a first round pick for him, where he continued to shoot off money-shots on the Indy front office.

NO (-150)

Remember that Trent Richardson guy I was talking about? Yeah, that's a real concern. He sucked so bad that literally half of the teams in this draft are going to pass on Gurley, just because of Trent. Really kind of messed up when you think about it, Gurley could be an absolute savage and make teams regret passing on him just like Adrian Peterson did when he entered the league. Smart prop bet here, Gurley drops to the 12-15 range and someone gets a steal.

WHAT WILL THE JETS DO WITH NUMBER 6 OVERALL?

Finally the real question that everyone has been dying for the answer to!! Okay, not really, I'm just a diehard Jets fan and I refuse to write an NFL themed article without spending a few hundred words projecting their draft.

TAKE A DE, DL, OLB (-250)

Jets need pass rushing in the worst way. They haven't taken a top pass rusher since 2006 when they selected the notorious Vernon Gholston and he went on to secure his bust on the Mount Rushmore hall of really shitty NFL players. The dude never even got a sack in the NFL!!! NOT ONE!!! Fuckin prick...but the Jets have to take someone who can get to the QB, especially while TB12 still takes snaps in Foxboro. Also if Todd Mcshay is correct and Leonard Williams falls to number 6, don't be surprised if the Jets trade this pick, Williams is far too talented not too be over coveted by a team in the 7-21 range.

TAKE AN OFFENSIVE SKILL PLAYER (+150)

The Jets improved their offensive players this offseason, but they are by no means the Greatest Show on Turf. Hell they are barely average on normal grass! All jokes aside, we need more weapons. I won't be surprised if Cooper, White, or even Gurley get selected, especially if the two QB's are off the board as expected.

TRADE BACK AND STOCKPILE (+300)

By far the smartest choice of the three, and also the most unlikely to happen. You never want the Jets fans to go crazy (they will either way) when they announce a trade, but new GM Mikey Mac has earned enough good will over his first couple of months that even the die hardest of Jets fanz will let this one slide. So go ahead Mike, we have tons of holes and this draft could be pretty deep in the middle and later rounds. Not likely to happen, but could be worth a decent payout if it does.

2014 Top NBA Prospects Pt. 1

Top 2014 NBA Lottery Prospects 

How many times have you typed in "NBA MOCK DRAFT 2014" this year, clicked on a result and said, "this makes no fuckin sense!" ? We here at Dirty Picks respect the effort it takes to come up with a full on mock draft; mainly because it takes a shit ton of time and research. However, you can not convince me that coming up with a half-decent top 10 is some Herculean task that most people would never attempt. If your top 10 mock only compares people to current All-Stars or Hall of Fame greats, you've fucked up. If your mock doesn't consider playing style and personnel fit, you've let the people down. We have taken the guess work out of drafting this year and are giving you, what we believe, is a an extremely honest and accurate take on 2014's top NBA Draft prospects. As you'll see, this is not a mock, but more of a ranking system, based on fit and overall talent level. Some of these guys are stars, some are just solid role players. The most important thing is, you know exactly what you are getting. We've also attached an NBA 2K rating to each incoming rookie to give an overall idea of where each player is coming in to the NBA. Here are the bottom 5:

10. Aaron Gordon—  Arizona — F

What Bob says: Aaron Gordon is athletic as fuck. Because of his length and incredible athleticism he will not only make Jay Bilas hard, but he could become one of the premier defensive players in the NBA. He gets rebounds using his jumping skills and arms that are longer than fuck. Raw isn't even fair to call him on the offensive end, retarded is actually a closer description. The only points he gets are off of oops, putbacks, and wide open dunks. His jump shot and free throw shooting are borderline atrocious, and this will definitely be a primary concern for GM's looking to draft him. With the right coaching though he has the potential to become at least a competent NBA scorer, but his defense will be his calling card. He could serve as a lockdown defender for a title winning team, think Tayshaun Prince on the Bulls or Kawhi Leonard for the Spurs. Defense will get him in the league, his potential on offense could make him a star.

What BJ says: I don't think Aaron Gordon is very good. He shouldn't go top 10, nor should anyone expect him to be great in the NBA. He can be a good role player, or a shitty version of Shawn Marion. He's only on here because Bob didn't want to put Gary Harris on the list. Everybody loves a tweener that can't score, rebound well or guard at an elite level! That being said, if he goes to a team that doesn't need his scoring, he COULD turn into the next coming of Marion.

Risk Meter: 7 Thabeets. If he doesn't learn to do something on offense, he's going to suck.

Player comparison: Best case: Shawn Marion, Andrei Kirilenko. Worst case: Wes Johnson

Worst fit: 

Best fit: Dallas. Great coach, great organization, old Shawn Marion. Phoenix and Denver as well, because of their style of play.

NBA2K Rating: 65-69

9. Doug McDermott —  Creighton — F

What Bob says: "McDouble is already capable of being a quality NBA 3 point shooter. Very quick release allows him to get his shot off with little to no space from defenders. Also possesses an underrated post game that allows him to take advantage of smaller defenders. Can get "hot" and put up a bunch of points in a hurry. Not a very good athlete, and will be someone that opposing players abandon their game plan so that they can take him one on one. Decent rebounder for his size and limited athleticism. Positions himself well and uses his body to create great rebounding opportunities. Definitely won't be a star at the NBA level, but on the right team he could be an absolutely essential piece to a title contender. His ability to shoot from deep will keep him on a roster for years to come."

What BJ says: "Let's make on thing perfectly clear: Doug McDermott is probably not an NBA starter. He is not going to be a star player. He is a role player. Now that we have that out of the way...So, why should a lottery team take a guy that's not going to be a star? Because you know exactly what you're getting with McDermott! He's going to play the wing, be a liability on defense and need a lot of screens and ball movement to get around. It's sad that we have to compare all white guys to other white guys, but he really does remind me of Kyle Korver. Except maybe a little more polished than Korver. So if you're sitting there with the 7th-15th pick in the draft, just take a look at that 2003 lottery. Korver was taken in the second round. In the lottery ALONE there are 6 guys who haven't been the NBA for years! Take the guy that is going to have a solid NBA career, not some asshole that can jump super high.

Risk Meter: 5 Thabeets. There's a chance McDermott is so far below average defensively and in other offensive areas that he just flames out after 2 seasons. If Steve Novak and Matt Bonner can get contracts, McDermott should be able to as well.

Player comparison: Best case: Kyle Korver. Worst case: Luke Jackson, Joe Alexander.

Best fit: Chicago, Boston, Philly. These three coaches know how to use screens and ball movement to get shooters open. That's exactly what McDermott does best, so he needs to land with a  smart coach.

Worst fit: LAL, Milwaukee, Sacramento. These teams do not understand spacing or ball movement. Even if Steve Nash comes back, Lakers remember having Troy Murphy and Jason Kapono. No open looks.

NBA2K Rating: 67-69

8. Tyler Ennis —  Syracuse — PG

What Bob says: "Freshmen point guard who was not on a lot of NBA radars until midway through the college season. Does not possess outstanding or even above average athleticism or physical intangibles of say a Marcus Smart, but makes up for it with an incredibly high basketball IQ (last two minutes of the Dayton game not considered). Controls the game, tempos and makes smart passes consistently while rarely turning the ball over. Not fast, but quick and consistently gets to his spot on the court. Has a nifty package of floaters and push/scoop shots when he does get in the lane. Very impressive poise/confidence for an 18 year old freshmen especially during their brief run in the NCAA tournament because of the confidence he has in his game. Never looked like the moment was too big for him and didn't seem intimidated at all by the position he was in. Needs to develop an outside shooting/midrange game, currently he can hit the shot and his jumper does look smooth, but NBA defenses will test it out until he proves he can consistently knock it down. Once again he will never be an above average athlete at the NBA level, and this could lead him to consistently getting destroyed by quality NBA point guards, but there have been a lot of points who were terrible on defense and still had a positive impact on the game (Steve Nash won two MVP's!!). If he gets drafted by the right team/coaching staff he could immediately come in and average 6-8 assists a game and start at point guard. "

What BJ says: "I wasn't very high on Ennis throughout most of the season, but he really started to catch my eye by doing a few little things. As Mr. Catz mentioned, he is very poised. He's not like a Johnny Flynn or an Austin Rivers who has little to no idea of what's going on around him. His court awareness and leaderships skills are going to make him a good player in this league. He also has a nice frame for a PG and I could see him becoming a strong guy that can bully smaller guards. He'll probably never be a D-Rose, Westbrook, Lillard type player, but he could definitely be a championship PG."

Risk Meter: Six Thabeets. Ennis doesn't have anything that jumps out at you. Which isn't good. He can't shoot, he's not explosive, he doesn't have a mean handle. He could just be a bench player forever.

Player comparison: Best case: Ramon Sessions, Andre Miller. Worst case: Kendall Marshall.

Best fit: Orlando, Dallas. There would not be a ton of pressure on Ennis here and he could take over for an aging, borderline useless guard in Jameer Nelson. There's a solid core of young guys here that Ennis could grow with. Dallas could use a PG of the future and playing with Dirk and in a great organization could get Ennis going faster than expected.

Worst fit: Milwaukee, Utah, Boston, Sacramento. Anywhere that already has a point guard or needs more scoring. Ennis can't be the guy that comes in and has to score.

NBA2K Rating: 70-71

7. Adreian Payne —  Michigan St. — PF

What Bob says: "Starting out his career at Michigan State, Payne did not look anything like an NBA player, now he's one of the more intriguing prospects in the draft. This season, Payne looked like a quintessential stretch 4 that is all the rage right now in the NBA. Being a four year player, he should be able to step in and contribute right away. His performance in the NCAA tournament was especially eye-opening and probably moved his draft position up three or four spots. He consistently looked like the best player on the floor and showed that he can knock down the 3 with consistency. Uses his length and athleticism to make plays on the defensive end and cleaning the glass. Won't be an elite rebounder, but should be able to pull down 6-8 boards a game consistently because of his size. Lately in games he's been settling for threes too often instead of trying to take his man off the dribble or exploiting smaller matchups in the post. Doesn't show enough consistency on the defensive end that makes you think he is gonna be considered a stopper, but he shouldn't be a liability either. If he proves that he can come in and knock down the 3 with consistency he should be a very strong role player for the right team."

What BJ says: "There are multiple reasons to like Payne. He has great size, strength and speed. That will always translate in the NBA, but the fact that he can put it all together into one, coordinated body of work is what is going to make him valuable. Payne can stretch the floor, but he will bang with big guys down low and punish smaller guys. The only thing to worry about is his assertiveness. If he continues to polish that low post game and improves his rebounding, he will be a very nice piece on a good team."

Risk Meter: 4 Thabeets. In any case he will be one of the Morris Twins. His size, IQ and his awareness of his own strengths and weaknesses will keep him in an NBA rotation.

Player comparison: Best Case: Markieff Morris; Worst Case: Patrick Patterson

Worst fit: Orlando Magic, New Orleans Pellies. Neither of these teams need another stretch 4.

Best fit: The Bobcats. We know Michael Jordan loves prominent college guys! He could be great with Kemba off the pick and roll.

NBA2K Rating: 71-74

6. Marcus Smart — OK St. — PG

What Bob says: "Taller combo guard that contributes in multiple categories consistently. Disrupts passing lanes and hounds smaller guards into forcing the issue or turning the ball over. He is also a fantastic rebounder for the point guard position. Stayed an extra year in college so he should be able to adjust to the NBA game faster than some of his counterparts. Solid passer, is able to consistently get by his defender and then finds the open man for an easy dunk or corner three. His assist numbers should only improve at the NBA level due to the talent that will be surrounding him (unless he ends up a Buck! zing!!). The biggest question mark right now is whether he is going to be able to improve his outside shooting to be considered a threat from distance. Athleticism is not as great as some of the other combo guards in league such as Eric Bledsoe or Wesley Matthews, but he can hold his own. Could really blossom into a star on the right team and at the very least should be a solid backup point guard due to his passing and defensive skills."

What BJ says: "Smart reminds me of this new hybrid breed of point guard now in the league. On one hand we have distributors like Rondo, CP3 and Rubio. On the other, there are scoring guards like Westbrook, Rose and Irving. Then there's guys like Eric Bledsoe, Kyle Lowry and Patrick Beverly. These dudes are just raw energy, aggressive on both end DAWGS. They can come in off the bench and spark your second unit, or frustrate a starting point guard with their defense and physicality. Smart is going to be well-built for being a rookie, and that will work to his advantage. I see his career playing out a little more like fellow college standout Kemba Walker, but I think he has more potential on the offensive end. "

Player comparison: Best Case: Eric Bledsoe. Worst Case: Jarret Jack.

Risk Meter: 4 Thabeets. Even if you aren't getting a starting point guard, you're getting a combo guard off the bench that can score and defend.

Best fit: New York Knicks, Los Angeles Lakers. Smart has obviously been through a few things this year. He's going to come out pretty polished media wise and I think he will be ready for the bright lights; specifically LA or NY. Both teams need a PG of the future and Smart not only brings the skills, the toughness and the mental readiness, but a passion for the game.

Worst fit: Milwaukee. Sacramento. If one of these teams decides they need to "bring in some competition" it's only going to be awkward. Smart needs to go to a team and be the guy from day 1.

NBA2K Rating: 71-73

NBA Draft 2014

NBA DRAFT RULES

By +Bobby Sugar 

As March Madness gets closer, it is time for all GMs of tanking NBA teams to take a good hard look at this year's crop of prospects. No doubt names like Wiggins, Parker, Embiid and Smart will be featured in discussions leading up to draft day, but it is the relative unknowns and future tourney stars that most are waiting for.

For fans and NBA execs alike, this time of year becomes a statistical feeding frenzy as we try to find the strengths and weaknesses of each prospect. Words like "wingspan," "vertical," and "genital circumference" will be thrown around like monkey feces, and,  on draft day, we will see the result of all that hard scouting work.

But what really goes on in those draft rooms? If teams are scouting for months on end and breaking down film, why the hell do we have so many first round misses? As a fan, it has to be extremely frustrating watching your GM take disappointing player after disappointing player as your team sets up permanent base in the lottery. 

This is why we have created the "Five Rules of NBA Drafting"; an easy and quick reference for all GM's and execs itching to improve their teams. With these rules, you will no longer be subject to seeing your team draft a 6 ft 9 in African center that hasn't played more than 4 months of organized basketball with the 2nd pick in the draft. Go ahead and print this out, put it right next to your mock draft and any time you are skeptical about a pick, consult the list. And as a multi-racial collaboration of writers here at Dirty Picks, we don't want to hear any cries of racism or bigotry. If you are a GM and your job is on the line, looking at Robert Swift or Meyers Leonard and saying "no" is not racist; IT'S JUST THE DAMN TRUTH!

NOTE: These rules are meant for the NBA lottery! Not second round picks! As a matter of fact most of the players subject to these rules are great mid-first or second round picks. So when you're reading this, remember LOTTERY. 

THIS LIST WILL WEED OUT 98% OF DRAFT BUSTS! 

THE 5 RULES OF THE NBA DRAFT

Rule I: 
Never take giant white centers who are "projects" because they are over seven feet tall.

Examples

Chris Mihm, Joel Pryzbilla, Robert Swift, Shawn Bradley, Meyers Leonard, Alex Len (kind of, he's slightly Euro), Cole Aldrich etc.
Comments
Is this racist? Probably, but you know what? These dudes do NOT work out as lottery picks! Now if you want to draft a guy to be a contributor for 12-18 minutes off the bench and get some rebounds (Nick Collison, Josh McRoberts, Tyler Hansborough) do it....later in the draft!

This is what happens

Analysts Say:
"He's a better athlete than you'd expect! He has a high basketball IQ and should be a solid contributor right away"


TRANSLATION
"He's more athletic than most white guys! Also, since he's white, we have to mention that he's a smart player for some reason. He's not going to be very good, but he should be a good role player for the next 10 years."

Rule II: 
Do not take big men described as "raw," "athletic," or "has potential on offense."

Examples
Hasheem Thabeet, Kwame Brown, Bismack Biyombo, Anthony Randolph, Brandan Wright, Tyrus Thomas, Patrick O'Bryant, Hilton Armstrong, Sheldon Williams, Desagana Diop.

Comments
When does this work out?! You draft a guy that blocks 4 shots per game and pulls down 10 rebounds, but can't score! Oh yeah, and those guys that he's blocking and boarding over? Unathletic, college dudes that won't sniff the NBA. Oh by the way, there's no defensive 3 second rule in college, feel free to camp around the rim and block 6 ft point guard's layins and collect rebounds. If you can't score against these same guys, how the hell are you scoring on NBA bigs?

Raw on Offense  = That's not going in

Analysts say:
"This guy is raw, but he has a lot of potential. Great wingspan, athletic, he's going to be a force on defense and on the boards. If he ever gets his offensive game going, watch out!"

TRANSLATION
"This guy really doesn't know what he's doing. He is pretty athletic, but hey we're in the NBA! Everybody is fuckin athletic! He will never average over 10 points per game, and you wasted a lottery pick on him instead of picking up Reggie Evans for a second round pick!"

RULE III: 
Do not take a player that doesn't have at least one elite skill. 

Examples

Joe Alexander, Otto Porter, Sean May, Austin Rivers, Darko Milicic, and Mateen Cleaves (sorry Sugar), Wes Johnson, Evan Turner to an extent, MARVIN WILLIAMS.

Comment
I don't care if it's being able shoot 3's (JJ Reddick), lockdown-D (Michael Kidd-Gilchrist), or he can pull down twenty rebounds against the Monstars from Space Jam (Kenneth Faried). If a player does not

Next Stop! D-League!

possess one elite skill, he better be fuckin amazing at every other skill in the book. Like LeBron good; in other words it doesn't work out. Also, athleticism does not qualify as an elite skill. This ain't baseball, these players are all superior athletes. The only exception to that is if the player is so athletic that he even impresses other NBA players, example: Gerald Green.

What analysts say:

"Jim, this player contributes in a variety of ways, he's very versatile and that flexibility will allow him to thrive at the NBA level."

TRANSLATION

"Jim this guy isn't very good at anything, but he had to do a lot for his team in college! He definitely can't shoot threes, he can dribble a little bit, but not past anyone. He can pass the ball, but not very well and you can expect pedestrian rebound numbers. This guy should be able to give you 15 minutes off the bench for the rest of his career."

Rule IV: 

Do not take international players that fail to dominate their own league.

Examples

Darko Milicic, Jan Vesely, Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Andrea Bargnani

Comments

This rule has not become as important lately as teams have moved away from drafting international players early, but you'd be surprised how many teams still struggle with this concept. If there is a guy playing 15 minutes per game and averaging single digits in everything, how the hell is he going to succeed in the NBA? Unless the guy kills it against the US, Spain or Argentina, don't bother taking him in the lottery. 

"and Jan never scored again..."

What analysts say:

"I tell ya, this guy is not like most international players, he's physical, athletic and he likes to get in there and bang! He only averaged 3 points per game in the Dakminstanistan league, but his physical gifts and style of play are more suited the NBA game."

TRANSLATION

"I tell yeah, this guy is more of a physical specimen than the other guys in his league who don't work out and chain smoke constantly. He can NOT score, so don't expect that. Oh and he's used to a different rule set, so expect him to never know what the fuck is going on. He also doesn't speak English and has never played more than 12 minutes per game. Expect him to be back in Europe in 2 years."

Rule V 
Do not draft a player in the lottery if you do not know his main position.

Examples

Marvin Williams, Derrick Williams, Renaldo Balkman, Jared Jeffries, Melvin Ely, Marcus Haislip, Cedric Simmons, Anthony Randolph, Ekpe Udoh, Al-Farouq Aminu, Tyrus Thomas, Ike Diogu, Yi Jianlan

"BUT HE PLAYS EVERY POSITION!"

Comments

This is one of the most egregious draft offenses! You see a guy that looks like a small forward, that wants and basically needs to play power forward or center! Or, he is 6'9" and you justify the pick because, "he's so versatile, he can play both positions!" No, that's not how it works. Your 6'9" power forward is not guarding LeBron, Melo, KD, Paul George or Kawhi. Oh you want to stick that guy at the three? Well, he can't shoot or dribble so good luck with that! Magic Johnson was versatile; LeBron James is versatile; Andre Iguodala is versatile; Marvin Williams is NOT versatile.

What analysts say:

"This guy is more of 4 that can kind of play the three and that versatility is going to help this team. He's got good length and quick feet, he'll be able to help this team in a lot of ways. He should be able to slide into the lineup easily and become a contributor."

TRANSLATION

"I have no fucking clue what position this guy can play. He definitely can't play the 4, so they're going to try him at the 3, but that shit won't work at all! He can't dribble well or shoot to space the floor so he'll have to post up. Unfortunately he has 0 post moves because he thinks he is a small forward and he's way undersized. Oh and they already have a solid guy that plays his primary position so they will force the rookie to play with him and fail miserably. He'll be shooting a lot of long, jumpers at a 30% clip."