NFL Picks

DRUNK PICKS

I've done it! Catz and Sugar are asleep and not answering my inane, drunken texts, so it's time for Mr. Nutz to shine! It's that time of night fellas, you know the deal. The bars have closed down, last call was somehow hours ago. All the more muscular, tattooed dudes have taken home the top 10% of the spoils and now you're stuck outside waiting for a cab that won't show up. BUT, while you wait drunk and completely devoid of rational thought, you've spotted that one chick devouring a hot dog from the hot dog cart outside the club. Yup, she's not great and she's eating a hot dog....from a street cart....at two in the morning....but damn, you can't go home empty handed! Well, that's when the two most versatile words in the English language come into play...

ROLL IT!

That's right! People can judge you and laugh, but you know what? You're making the best out of a shitty situation, and this morning, you're going to do the same! Yeah maybe you forgot to check with your bookie or capper or that nerd you beat up every week for gambling picks. So now, you gotta settle for Mr. Nutz's hot dog cart lockz of the week! We all make mistakes every once in a weekend, so take these drunk and illogical picks and roll em' like a '62 Caddie! While you'e at it, tell your boss to suck it, because after this weekend, you'll be rich! ROLL IT!

HOU @ CLE (-3.5)

A good ol' Southern Toss Up game! Nothin like tossing the old salad and seeing what comes out right?! Cleveland will roll in this one aka the battle of the Brady Backups. Don't even watch this game as neither team will be contending for the Super Bowl, or the Jameis Winston sweeps.

MIN @ CHI (-3)

Well my dude Smokin Jay has completely given up on football and is way more focused on banging his hot wife at this point. It's all good Jay, because outside of Chi Town, most people think you're hilarious! The Bears will win this one from a pure talents stand point, and Coach Canada doesn't want to get fired, so let's let bygones be bygones and give some points here for Chi Tizzy.

SEA (+1) at KC

Come the fuck off it Vegas! Seattle has been giving about 10 points per game (give or take a few) this year and now they are dogs to KC?! Nope. Not buying it. As a fan of the Seahawks, I have multiple reasons to think the Chiefs will win this. 1) Alex Smith kills the Seahawks 2) We lost Brandon Mebane who is basically a less fat version of Vince Wilfork, against a great run team 3) The Chiefs have a nice pass rush which will frustrate Russell "I see you're going to blitz so I'm not going to make any adjustments and take the sack" Wilson. 4) The Chiefs haven't given up a rushing TD all year I believe. So take all those points and roll them up into one big ass "Vegas is about kill the public" blunt and smoke it! SEEEEAAAA HAAWWWWKKKKSSS!

ATL (-1) at CAR

This makes sense. A God Awful Atlanta team is the favorite in Carolina....outdoors....and they are the Atlanta Falcons. Don't sit here and try to fuck me Vegas, I know what you're doing...

CIN @ NO (-7.5) 

Andy Dalton Sux!!! That's a sign you'll see in the crowd as Drew Brees finally does something worthwhile this season. Saints win 37-0.