Friday Grab Bag

SOCCER PICKS

Evian TG v Paris Saint-Germain (-1.5, +120)  (L)
2 games, 9 goals. Yeah, Evian has struggle thus far to say the least. They face off against a Zlatan-less PSG squad that have not exactly lit it up this season. They should be able to bounce back against Evian, despite the fact they lost 2-0 (the field was basically a hockey rink) last year. Lavezzi and Cavani are going to bang these boys out hard to the tune of 4-0.

Bayern Munich (-1 1H, +120 v Wolfsburg)  (P)
Bayern looks to defend and win their third consecutive league as they tangle with Wolfsburg! Despite having a sweet name, Wolfsburg really isn't about shit. Arjen Robben is going to murder this team! 3-1 easily! Parlay this shit with something else!

Atletico Madrid v Real Madrid (-.5, EVEN) (L)

This is the game of the day! I am all in with Atletico, but I just CAN'T do it! I believe Atletico has a great chance to win and continue to be a thorn in Real's side, but look at all the talent on the other side of the field. Ronaldo looks injured or just off, so this game is all about JAYAMUSSSS Rodriguez and Benzema! If James can once again bang one home for Real, the Super Cup will be theirs. Talent SHOULD win out here, despite Atleti having the slight advantage after a draw earlier this week. Ride with James and hope Ronaldo can show up and be 50%; Let's remember .5 Ronaldo's = 2 Men, the numbers don't lie and they spell disaster for Atletico in the Super Cup!!

NFL Preseason Picks

Tons of preseason action as the full three quarter dress rehearsal that is week three kicks off tonight!! I know the preseason doesn't really mean shit in the end, but if you want to have a good idea of how your team is going to do, then check out tonight's action.

NYJ (-1) at NYG  (L)

The word on the streets right now is that Eli Manning looks disinterested in camp and is struggling to learn the new offense. I'm sure that this is not even remotely close to the truth, and what people are interpreting as disinterest from Eli is just actually his stupid fucking face. Nevertheless do you really want to hear these kind of reports two weeks before the season is going to kick off? This whole Tom Coughlin experiment has run its course, I know he's won two Super Bowls, but he has to get fired sometime right? Look for the Jets to take the Metlife Snoopy Cup Trophy Challenge way too seriously as they come out and lay the wood and at least for one night own New York like they should. Also Vick is a former all pro who gets to play against backups late in this game, that should be enough to swing this one for the J-E-T-S.

Oakland at Green Bay (-7) (WINNER!)

Good God the Raiders are in for a long season, but then again it's been a pretty long decade for them. Well if you think this is going to be the point where they turn everything around and become a good franchise....oh hey Aaron Rodgers! Oh Rodgers may not play very long and their back-up is Matt Flynn who kills in this system?? Well by golly that is just fantastic news! Look for the Pack to come out firing on all cylinders as they get contributions on offense, defense, special teams and put this one away early.

Jacksonville (+3) at Detroit (WINNER!)

You know, I am starting to think I may have to eat crow (such an old white guy expression) on this whole Blake Bortles being a bust thing. I know that it is only the preseason and even guys like Ryan Leaf looked good during the preseason. What a second I just reread that last line, Leaf actually looked pretty good during his first preseason and he ended up spectacularly busting, so maybe there is still time Bortles!! Either way I expect Blake to keep up his solid level of play and do not be surprised if Captain Checkdown aka Chad Henne gets pulled after the first quarter in this one, leaving young Borts to run amok against the Lion backups for three quarters. Also the Lions are a mess, with all the talent they have they should win 12 games a year, not six. I mean could you imagine if a good QB had Calvin Johnson to throw to 15 times a game?? Shots fired Stafford fan club!!

MLB Picks

San Fran Giants @ Washington Natty Ice (-153) (WINNER!)

Former Tigers' starter Doug Fister takes the mound for the Ice tonight looking to build upon his 12-3 record. Nothing special here I just don't think Washington loses this one. 

Chicago White Sox @ NY Yanks (-188) (WINNER!)

It seems like the Yankees don't lose much at home. I wouldn't expect a team like Chicago to come in and fuck anything up. 

Atlanta (-107) @ Cinci  (L)

ATL has been on a heater lately. Take this pick with a grain of salt because the Braves always seem to fuck me good whenever I put some money on them winning.

Saturday Shootout Picks!

English Premier League

Arsenal (-1.5) v Crystal Palace (OVER 2.5)  (L, WINNER!)
All you need to know here is that Crystal Palace's manager walked out on the team yesterday. Yeah. On the eve of their Premier League opener, he had seen enough! Well, Arsenal is not a powerhouse per se, but they definitely have the talent to win this thing 3-1 or 3-0. Buy in on this one, because it's a gimme. Look for a big game from Alexís Sanchez.

Major League Soccer

Seattle (P, +150) v Real Salt Lake (L)
The Pick 'em is easy here as Seattle has the talent to go into RSL and win the game. History shows that tonight's result will probably favor RSL,  but both teams have been great this year and the Sounders beat the shit out of these Mormon assholes 4-0 in Seattle. Dempsey and Martin's should be able to break lose for a goal apiece en route to a Sounders win 2-1.

Major League Baseball

Seattle (-110) at Detroit (BONUS: F5 Under 3.5 (-150) (L) (WINNER!)
Assuming this game is played, the Mariners have been on fire recently and with King Felix on the mound, I don't see that ending any time soon. The downward trending Tigers have lost their mojo and are hoping David Price can help them out today. Take that first 5 under and the Mariners for guaranteed money as King Felix pitches a no hitter.

National Football League

NYJ vs.  CIN (-3) (L)
MIA (+3, -125) vs. TAMPA BAY (WINNER!)
Well if this isn’t just strange. Picking against my favorite team and picking in favor of my most hated team! I never thought I would live to see the day where I would actually feel comfortable backing the Dolphins, but you know what they did not look half bad last game. Tannehill looked like a competent QB and extended playing time in this game should only increase his opportunities to impress. This is not saying you should throw the house on the Dolphins over for the upcoming season, because I still have strong doubts about their running game and coverage game. However, they should be able to get a jump on the Bucs and steal this game down in Tampa. Also I am only going against the Jets because Taj Boyd is going to play most of the second half and he has looked absolutely terrible so far in camp. He is really only getting the opportunity to play so that he has some tape to show other teams after he gets cut next week. Do not be surprised if he throws 3-4 picks and this one gets out of hand for Gang Green.

Slump Buster Sunday!

Liverpool (-1.5) vs Swansea City (L)

Since the NBA All-Star break, I have been on what one might describe as a slump. I have seemingly lost my ability to determine who will and will not cover spreads or even win games for that matter. So, like all savants or masters of their craft, I will attempt to remedy this with a method as old as organized religion. Slump busting is the tradition of banging the ugliest girl possible in order to extract oneself mired in a slump. Since I doubt any of our readers want to watch me banging the ugliest girl I can possibly find (unless you do? No, okay) I will instead pick the winner of the ugliest sports contest I can find. European soccer! Or as God called it once, "hell on earth." If Liverpool covers this spread, the curse will officially be lifted and I will be free to continue making my shitty NBA picks. If they don't, well Cthulhu is going to get a lot of sacrifices this month.